untitled

I have been thinking a lot about a lot of stuff lately.

Over the summer, things changed so much. I knew that when we all went off to different schools and had different experiences, things would change, I didn't think they would change to the extent that they have. Then, with the whole robbery incident, that didn't help at all. We all decided to deal with it in different ways and I think that most of us dealt with it fairly well. Because one of my friends decided not to deal with it all that well, at least in my eyes, I have fallen out of touch with her. It's sad because I have known her for so long. I wrote her an e-mail yesterday. I started Friday or Saturday. I stared at the screen, not knowing what to say, not knowing what sounded good, not wanting to accuse her of anything, just wanting her to hear what I had to say about everything that happened. I didn't want to point fingers and I certainly didn't want her to feel attacked. I think I accomplished that goal, but still, I am nervous to get a response and even more nervous that I won't get one. I just want to make sure that she's ok and that she is dealing with this alright. Maybe not talking about it is her way of dealing with it, but I can't see how keeping that kind of stuff bottled up inside helps anything. I know that talking about it with my friends and then deciding to go see a counselor at school has helped a great deal. I am a little more at ease when I go to sleep and I don't get as worried. I am still hyperviligant and seeing guns, even pictures scares the shit out of me. Last night some friends and I went to see Step Up at the movie theatre. There were a couple parts where there were guns. I knew it was coming both times. I shut my eyes. The first time it was on screen, a guy pulled a gun on another guy dancing with his girlfriend. He didn't shoot, but he cocked it. I started shaking and got really panicky, almost to the point of tears...ok, I *really* had to get that out of my system. Now that that's done. I dunno, I guess I am just worried about her.

Another thing I have been thinking about it how much I have changed. I don't want to sound selfish, but I have come to realize that before anyone else, I have to take care of myself. I have to voice what I think, no matter how hurtful it may seem, if it's important, it has to be said. I don't have to be brutally honest, just honest. It's something that I think I am working on really hard and I like that I can tell people no and not feel bad. I never used to be able to do that, I was such a yes person because I didn't want anyone to feel bad or leftout or something.

There's a lot more, but some friends and I are going to be leaving for lunch soon...